naoki-hime:

So I’m back from my date. We didn’t hit it off - I think we’re just too different, nothing in common. But I feel like a bad feminist for some of the things he lost points with me for.

• Not offering to pay for my food. I know. Not obligated. But on a first date, it’s just polite to offer. Then again, it’s not even remotely expected of me to offer to pay for him, so.
• Not offering to walk me home. I live one street over from the restaurant. I know I didn’t offer to walk him home either - I know it’s hypocritical. I know. But I still feel like he should’ve offered to walk me home.
• Also showed up in an old sweatshirt (the ugly 80s kind) and unshaved - really, don’t put any effort into it?

I know that’s all pretty hypocritical of me. It bothers me that I have that kind of double standard - he’s the guy, so he’s expected to at least offer, while I don’t have that obligation. That’s not equal at all. But… idk. It bothers me.

Either way, I don’t think we’re seeing each other again.

I don’t think you’re a bad feminist, seeing as you realize you have double standards and question them. I think it’s more of a social expectations thing.

Being Swedish, I’ve grown up with a couples culture quite different from the “official dates”-one a lot of my non-Swedish friends seem to live with. Here, there is very little official dating. Generally, if you like someone you try to hang out with the other person as much as possible until you figure out if they’d like to make out with you or not - and then you might continue to hang out anyways, if they’re fun to be around without the kissing. If you go out and do something that costs money (movie, cafe, etc.) you’re expected to pay for you own food/ticket/etc.

I’m not saying the Swedish way of “dating” is better (it is quite easy to create misunderstandings), but I do think what view of dating your society has is very influential over how we think about potential romantic partners and their actions.

I have, twice, ended up on dates with non-Swedish men (which I didn’t realize were dates until I got there and, yeah, then it was fairly obvious) and the culture shocks were horrible though hilarious. You see, with my upbringing, I take someone trying to pay for my movie ticket or giving me flowers as an insult, even if the intention behind the gesture was nice.

Why? Because where I live, only people who know each other very well pay for each other - friends, family, long time romantic partners, and such. Having a stranger pay for you signals that s/he wants you to owe them (no matter if said stranger is someone who’re your on a date with or not).

And bringing someone a gift without knowing what said person actually likes (one guy got me flowers I’m allergic to and I also don’t really like flowers) is seen as a cheap way to try and get on someone’s good side.

So yeah, in the end social expectations and our upbringing are key here. Communication only works when all parties involved agree that “blue” means the same color, etc. You can of course decide that blue means green, but you’ll still have that lingering feeling that it actually should be blue, until the majority of people agree with you - and maybe not even then :)